Of course, context is everything. But most of us know the experience of needing something from someone we’re attached to, who cannot or will not provide it. Whether it’s concrete forms of help and support, or more open and direct expressions of love and affection, or the willingness to acknowledge harm done, or the courage to directly address a conflict in need of repair, or even just a little more emotional honesty, there is so much we need from others that may be elusive or unavailable.
It’s tempting to dig our heels in and insist on getting what’s longed for. But when this happens, we might be avoiding a hard truth: that what you need cannot be offered by the person you are determined to get it from. This is a tough truth to face. It can usher in feelings of despair, frustrated rage, and at times, heart-piercing loss. But if we stay the course, slowly, it can also free us from a tangled relational web. And over time, help us begin turning to the people who can offer what’s longed for.
If this whole endeavor wears you out, take heart. It’s one of life’s formidable challenges to see clearly who we are in relationship with, and to accept others with their limitations. The beauty of this process is that not only will it free us up to discern who can offer what we’ve longed for, but it might also help us begin to accept our own limitations. If we can tolerate who other people are, perhaps we can also tolerate who we are. None of us has to be more than fully human.
When You Can’t Get What You Want From Someone You Need
