An interesting discovery in developmental psychology is that we need to give love as much as we need to receive it. And yet, it’s the rare poem or song that muses on whether we have loved others generously. So, let’s think together about what goes into loving another person.
Buddhist wisdom suggests that when we cherish someone else’s happiness as much as our own we are feeling love. Have you ever noticed the joy you feel when someone you love is happy?
Jealousy or envy are nowhere to be found. There’s just the remarkable feeling of experiencing the happiness with them. Their joy gives you deepest well-being.
But loving another person also means a willingness to hear more about how we may have unwittingly caused them harm. After all, it is the people we love the most we tend to hurt. If the love is genuine, grounded in care and integrity, we’ll be willing to hear more about the pain or suffering we have caused.
This takes some courage. Afterall, it’s not easy to disappoint a loved one, and even worse to know we’ve hurt them. But with love as an anchor, we can tolerate hearing about the harm
done, knowing that this act of love will reduce our loved one’s suffering.
The Buddha Shakyamuni described love as the wish for others to be happy, content, and peaceful. I’ve always found this a convincing description. It rescues love from sentimentality,
because when this wish has deep roots, we’re willing to work through conflict and face our own shadow in order to protect the well-being of others.
If this willingness is absent or hard to hold onto, we can reflect on whether it’s love we feel for another, or perhaps, fear of loss, a sense of attachment, or even the re-enactment of obligation masquerading as love.
As we continue to navigate a time when we are all needing supportive and stable relationships, reflecting on how we have loved others might help us nurture the closeness we long for. And as we shift the focus from how we have been loved, to how we have loved others, we might begin to recognize the resources within us all that make love possible.
What Does It Mean to Love Another Human Being?
