All aspects of our being – mind, body, the capacity to think and feel – develop within relationship.
In our earliest stages of life, we find ourselves through how we are mirrored and found by the people we depend on. And throughout our lives, we need others to help us notice more fully what we feel, what we need, and how to move forward, whether we’re struggling or excited.
This is especially true in infancy and early childhood, when we are not yet able to think about our feelings, to understand them, or lift them to consciousness.
We need another person – our North Star – to help us work with and manage our feelings. Through parent/infant research, we have learned about the life-long need for others to attune to our experience in order to regulate our feelings through reflection, and body-based efforts at regulation. It takes time to be able to recognize feelings, to name them, and slowly feel equipped to recover from them.
If we didn’t have someone in our early development to help us along, it’s never too late. At any age, we can cultivate more patience and sensitivity with ourselves, especially with our emotions, if there’s someone trustworthy who can help us with this process. It might take some time – we are, after all, complex creatures. But the benefits of beginning to trust that no feeling is too much for us to handle, are invaluable. We’ll also become more comfortable with other people’s feelings, offering them the care and compassion we all need.
Throughout our lives, we need others to help us co-regulate feelings.
