It’s fair to imagine that some among us might look forward to the holidays. But…who? More often I hear people, even those blessed with loving and respectful families, express anxiety or outright alarm about impending family gatherings. Who will act out in ways that feel intolerable? Who will espouse views that seem off the wall? Who will drink too much, only eat salad, fall silent, or explode?
Group life is complicated, and when the longing for love and care is thrown into the mix, often enormously so. Some of you will plan to be with your families and find ways to manage the various concerns about what could happen, or what you need to happen that likely won’t. And others may be gearing up for isolation during a time when it seems that everyone else belongs somewhere.
Whatever your circumstances, it might help to simply note – with compassion – the complexity of the human journey. Our need for caring relationships where we feel basically seen as we see ourselves is life-long. Some are fortunate to find this experience early in life. Others will find themselves waiting for years on end, the longed-for care always seeming to slip away before it ever materializes.
If you can hold on to some basic tenderness toward yourself as you navigate the upcoming holiday season, it might help you find a sense of inner belonging. I get it – there’s no replacing a warm embrace with someone you love and have been loved by. But, ultimately it is this self-compassion and self-respect in the face of difficulties that can make even our loneliest moments more bearable.
Lastly, I encourage whomever might read this to stretch just the tiniest bit this upcoming season, and risk connecting with communities where you might just find the sense of belonging you’ve been waiting for. We’re relational beings. There’s no way around it. So, if possible, let yourself see who is out there who knows that you’re worthy of care, affection, and the joys of being known.
Navigating Heartbreak During the Holidays
